I sometimes think back to a time so long ago. I had very little but I had so much. What if I never moved from the place you were born and lived for 20 years. What if I stayed. Would life have taken another course. Would you still be here.
The day we pulled the moving truck away. If I knew you would have left me. If I knew you would turn so sad in your heart, I would have never left. I carry this burden in my heart every day.
How do we know what turns life has lying ahead for us. I never thought I would lose you. I will cherish this photo forever on your birthday. It was the place the three of us lived. We lived in a castle in our hearts.
Grief is not just one sudden moment that changes your life forever. It’s all the moments that lead you to today. It’s the first time you walked. Your first tooth. The day you took off on your bicycle without the training wheels. Your first day of kindergarten when I walked away and I cried. Your first stripe on your green belt in karate. The day i read in your class at school. The day you jumped off the diving board at swimming lessons. Sitting with you in the doctors when you got mono. Taking you for your tux for your prom. Dropping you off at your first job. Taking you to sign up for your courses at college. Taking you for your road test. Sitting with you when a girl broke your heart. Dancing with you at your wedding. Sitting with you waiting for your child to be born. Telling you I love you every morning on the train. So many moments that are rolled up in this life that I lost as if I have lost my own. It’s not the day we grieve or how they left. It is all of these days that gather themselves and are forever present with each passing day. We have lost a lifetime of what once was and what could have been
Words by Gavin James
Photo by Billy, my son (gone fishing)
And if this house burns to the ground into ashes
We will hold it together
We will hold it together
And if this world starts to break your heart into pieces
I will make you feel better and try to put you back together
I’ll try to put you back together
Try to put you back together
You’ve got to be one that, wherever you are, like a flower, you’ve got to blossom where you’re planted. You cannot eliminate darkness. You cannot banish it by cursing darkness. The only way to get rid of darkness is light and to be the light yourself.
Today is the day mothers are acknowledged the week before Mothers day that have lost a child. Its such a tragic loss that they gave us our own day. I remember standing at my sons funeral, one by one they came up to me and I dont even remember their faces. I remember the priest sitting with me at the wake. I dont even remember what he said but his eyes had such pity for me. I remember standing outside of church so many people who worked with my son, telling me beautiful stories of him. How he made stockings for all of the children at his job and wrote their names. I was afraid of those days to end because I knew I would be alone. All the embraces and cards and conversations would all disappear. My son would still be gone the same as those few days but one by one, they all disappear. But there the bereaved mother stands. Her days are all the same . She searches for other mothers for she knows there is no one else that could possibly understand but them. It brings her comfort. I thank God for these mothers. I know our children are together and at peace.
Three years has past. I’ve learned to live with my loss. It’s always there but I’ve learned how to mask my life. I feel like I am looking into a window looking at my life that once was. The people that were apart of my life walking past with a new family. Where is my son. I dont see him as I look through this window. I see his daughter holding hands with all new people. Looking through my window I cant touch her anymore. I was there when she was born. Who are these people walking in her life. How did this happen. This window I look through now. I feel numb inside. As I sit at my window I think of what once was.
It’s been a long time since I dreamt of my son. 3 months after he passed he came to me. It was meaningful and vivid. It was so much more than a dream. It was where we use to live and he was waiting for me. I ran to him and he held me. I said I miss you so much and we both just hugged and cried and then he waved goodbye. The second dream the three of us were hugging. It was me and my 2 sons. He had his arms around both of us. It had such great meaning. The last time was last May. I was on vacation unaware of dates. I woke up crying. He brought my brother to me. He said Mom I brought Uncle Tommy to you. He was dressed as he always was. I woke up and I checked the date because it was May. I lost my brother May 19 and it was May 19.❤ I went to two different mediums since then and both said they were together and knew how my brother died and the cancer that took him. We will always be connected. As much as I miss touching his face he is there. Perhaps he feels it caused me too much pain to visit me but if it is pain I must feel to see his smile it’s ok.