Another year without you

Times marches on . People move forward and get on with their lives. We stay stuck. People who care and feel too much. People who lose a huge part of their life. We live in the past every day because it is where you were. I don’t want to live in the present because I see the hole then that will always remain empty. Tonight was such a special night for you. A night of new beginnings that would lead to your sadness. I will always remember yesterday where you lived with me .

A photograph of you

There are no conincidences in life. I have come to believe God wants us to understand. My mother lost my brother in 2004. He died young from cancer. I watched her become a fragment of herself the 8 years that followed. I thought I understood her pain but never until I lost my own son 12 years later.

When my parents died and I unloaded their home to sell it. In every corner were old photographs of my mom and dad in random places. I thought maybe they put them there living with crippling dementia until the end. Today I unpacked my brothers things to put in a new hopechest I had just bought. Between his picture frames an old photo fell out. These frames were stacked on top of each other and they were from his funeral. I remember they were displayed on the tables. I just packed up this box and unpacked it now two months later. My mom was sitting on a boat. I know in that very moment she was with me. No explanation needed.. She is with them both now and she is with me making sure I am not alone


The mornings are the heaviest. Every morning I open my eyes and know its a new day. The heaviness that sits in your chest with the Start of each day is always the same . in the beginning i gave myself purpose. Took on projects, found ways to remember and honor him. With. Each new project it kept that light alive. Never let it go. Almost like the feeling of hope. What kind of hope do you have to something that will never change. This must be survival. Survival of loss. Connection to a life that you can never live without. Maybe it will make someone say his name. Talk about a memory. This is the insanity of childloss. Then there are the days it all falls apart. A mother once asked me if I feel like I’m on a constant roller coaster . Out of nowhere you burst into tears. You keep yourself grounded from the anxiety with the familiar. Change is too hard to handle. You just go through the motion of life so people believe you are still alive. But you died a long time ago with your child

How long did you hurt

I remember a long time ago I saw on social media an old school friend had lost her son. I felt so bad. That instant shock and sadness you feel reading something so tragic, Months went on and every day was a post or quote about childloss. I unfollowed her posts because they were just too sad and I joined facebook to engage with friends and have a happy distraction. Then I lost my own son. I have had 3 of those friends that said to me they could never imagine my pain of losing a child, lose a child as well. We never know what’s its like to walk in someone’s shoes until we slip into them one day. That taught me such a valuable lesson. I know connect with those who are going through loss. It changes us. It sharpens every sense that we are given. It transforms you into another human being. Im sometimes not sure if I’m greatful for carrying such a heavy load but I remind myself that’s the test that God has given me. It has given me great strength to not let him down.

Moments are forever

We live a day like there will always be a tomorrow. It could be the simplest day. Maybe whatever you are doing is really not how you wanted to spend that day. So many days I woke up with a plan on what would make me happy and it turned out different. In that moment I wished for something else. But loss can make those moments spent, those changed days be the best moment you ever had. I think there was a reason it turned out different.

Grandmas house

His grandparents house will always be treasured in his heart. It was the last place he visited before he left us. I know they are holding him for me until we are all together

Mom, can i sleep at grandma’s today?

I heard on the bus this morning…

when I managed to turn around to see the child, that made me go back to the past with just one sentence…

She was no longer within my reach.

I traveled far…

When did time go by and make us adults full of boring priorities?

We fight every day for something that we don’t know if it’s what we really want…

When in fact, grandma’s house is what everyone would need to be happy.

Grandma’s house is where the hands of the clock take a vacation with us and spend the minutes unhurriedly arriving.

Grandma’s house is where a simple pasta and homemade bread get different flavors, delicious…

Grandma’s house is where an innocent afternoon can last for an eternity of games and fantasies.

Grandma’s house is where the cupboards hide old clothes and mysterious tools.

Grandma’s house is where the closed boxes become chests of secret treasures, ready to be unveiled.

Grandma’s house is where toys rarely come ready, they are invented on the spot.

Grandma’s house, everything is mysteriously possible, magic happens and without worries.

Grandma’s house is where we find the remains of our parents’ childhood and the beginning of our lives.

Grandma’s house, on the inside, is the address of our deepest affection, where everything is allowed.

That luxury no longer belongs to me – unfortunately – it will live with me only in memories.

Even so, if I could place an order now… any order of all orders in the world, I would order the same thing…

Can i sleep at grandma’s today?


Photo Credit: Sujata Setia with But Natural Photography

Saulo Subirá – 2015

Your 39th birthday is today

Bethpage Village Restoration, Long Island

Written by Emily Dickenson

I measure every
I meet
With narrow,
probing, eyes – 
I wonder if It
weighs like Mine – 
Or has an Easier

I wonder if They
it long – 
Or did it just
begin – 
I could not tell
the Date of Mine – 
It feels so old a pain – 

I wonder if it
to live – 
And if They have
to try – 
And whether –
They choose between – 
It would not be 
– to die – 

I note that Some –
 gone patient long – 
At length, renew
their smile – 
An imitation of a
That has so little Oil – 

I wonder if when
Years have piled – 
Some Thousands –
 on the Harm – 
That hurt them early – such a lapse
Could give them
any Balm – 

Or would they go
on aching still
Through Centuries
of Nerve – 
Enlightened to a
larger Pain – 
In Contrast with
the Love – 

The Grieved – are many – I am told – 
There is the
various Cause – 
Death – is but one – 
and comes but once – 
And only nails the eyes – 

There's Grief of Want – and grief
of Cold – 
A sort they
call "Despair" – 
from native Eyes – 
In sight of
Native Air – 

And though I may
not guess the
kind – 
Correctly – yet
to me
A piercing
it affords
In passing
Calvary – 

To note the fashions – of
the Cross – 
And how they're
mostly worn – 
Still fascinated
to presume
That Some – 
my own – 

A simple stone

Sometimes we pick or choose something to represent a day that seemed so perfect so we will always remember how we felt. At the time it seemed like something so small. 7 years later that stone bought with I Love you written will be a constant reminder and treasure that day existed. I’m so greatful my son embraced all those moments in his life. He took a simple day and attached something special to everything he did.