April 2 2016

Today is 5 years that we lost you. I think about how much you were so broken inside that night and how you sat alone with all of your sadness. I am supposed to protect you and you died alone feeling worthless and scared. This will torment me all the days of my life. You spent your whole life making sure i was happy and i think about how exhausting that must have been and what a responsibility you put on yourself. You were my hero Billy

The month of April

no Day Passes Without my Heart Being Stretched

Written by Zoey Quiney

I feel everything. All the time. No day passes without my heart being stretched to its capacity for one reason or another.

It sounds exhausting, and it can be, but it’s all I’ve ever known. To me, feeling is the truest of my experiences because it is a physical expression of being alive. To be constantly pulsating with stimuli, vibrating at various frequencies, is to experience the proof of your own existence.

I believe that life is measured in our ability to feel; the deeper and the more raw the feelings, the more authentically we’re living. Tears will flow and hearts will break; sadness will swamp us and stomachs will knot; rages will burn and passion will overcome us. That is how we are built; maybe it is our body’s way of reminding us we are alive.

If Walt Whitman contains multitudes, then I contain infinite galaxies; supernovas and nebulas; dying stars and black holes. I contain the lives of all my ancestors; I am made of every person I’ve ever known and loved for millions of years since human hearts existed.

My mind is a wide ocean; moods rise and shrink away like tides with the cycle of the moon. My heart is a mysterious guide—dark, loud and full

I read these words somewhere and they reminded me of my son and also so much of myself

Its no wonder we were so close. We both understood and felt life the same way.

The hole

I have been given so much in my life. I have always had a great job and wonderful friends. I had great parents who gave me a traditional life. You think life will always stay the same. At least yours. Loss. Sickness and tragedy happen to other people. Then one day you lose a brother out of nowhere. One day you wake up and your parents are old and aren’t the same strong people that took care of you. They depend on you now. You watch them fade each day and then you lose them 5 months of each other. You find yourself packing up 64 years of their life alone. My son stood my side through all of it. He was my person. He showed up for every moment in my life. He filled the disappointment that you have in other people . you never truly see that hole even though you know exists.

Then one morning I started my day and 4 hours later I was told my person was gone forever. That hole that I always knew existed opened up and took me in it. . that’s hole of disappointment stares at me every day.

Another year without you

Times marches on . People move forward and get on with their lives. We stay stuck. People who care and feel too much. People who lose a huge part of their life. We live in the past every day because it is where you were. I don’t want to live in the present because I see the hole then that will always remain empty. Tonight was such a special night for you. A night of new beginnings that would lead to your sadness. I will always remember yesterday where you lived with me .

A photograph of you

There are no conincidences in life. I have come to believe God wants us to understand. My mother lost my brother in 2004. He died young from cancer. I watched her become a fragment of herself the 8 years that followed. I thought I understood her pain but never until I lost my own son 12 years later.

When my parents died and I unloaded their home to sell it. In every corner were old photographs of my mom and dad in random places. I thought maybe they put them there living with crippling dementia until the end. Today I unpacked my brothers things to put in a new hopechest I had just bought. Between his picture frames an old photo fell out. These frames were stacked on top of each other and they were from his funeral. I remember they were displayed on the tables. I just packed up this box and unpacked it now two months later. My mom was sitting on a boat. I know in that very moment she was with me. No explanation needed.. She is with them both now and she is with me making sure I am not alone

Heaviness

The mornings are the heaviest. Every morning I open my eyes and know its a new day. The heaviness that sits in your chest with the Start of each day is always the same . in the beginning i gave myself purpose. Took on projects, found ways to remember and honor him. With. Each new project it kept that light alive. Never let it go. Almost like the feeling of hope. What kind of hope do you have to something that will never change. This must be survival. Survival of loss. Connection to a life that you can never live without. Maybe it will make someone say his name. Talk about a memory. This is the insanity of childloss. Then there are the days it all falls apart. A mother once asked me if I feel like I’m on a constant roller coaster . Out of nowhere you burst into tears. You keep yourself grounded from the anxiety with the familiar. Change is too hard to handle. You just go through the motion of life so people believe you are still alive. But you died a long time ago with your child

How long did you hurt

I remember a long time ago I saw on social media an old school friend had lost her son. I felt so bad. That instant shock and sadness you feel reading something so tragic, Months went on and every day was a post or quote about childloss. I unfollowed her posts because they were just too sad and I joined facebook to engage with friends and have a happy distraction. Then I lost my own son. I have had 3 of those friends that said to me they could never imagine my pain of losing a child, lose a child as well. We never know what’s its like to walk in someone’s shoes until we slip into them one day. That taught me such a valuable lesson. I know connect with those who are going through loss. It changes us. It sharpens every sense that we are given. It transforms you into another human being. Im sometimes not sure if I’m greatful for carrying such a heavy load but I remind myself that’s the test that God has given me. It has given me great strength to not let him down.

Moments are forever

We live a day like there will always be a tomorrow. It could be the simplest day. Maybe whatever you are doing is really not how you wanted to spend that day. So many days I woke up with a plan on what would make me happy and it turned out different. In that moment I wished for something else. But loss can make those moments spent, those changed days be the best moment you ever had. I think there was a reason it turned out different.