The space between then and now keeps growing further.   So much you have missed .  It all seems like another life.  The one I was so happy in.

We go about with our relationships in life , thinking they will always be there. Nothing will ever change. Nothing could ever change this. Then we lose them. I look back at the last 7 years living without you and I never knew such crippling pain could be possible. Not just the loss but the reason it happened. The brokenness haunts mind every day. I have figured out how to live the days ahead but you sit on the ledge of each one staring back at me.

Written by Donna Ashworth

Some souls are just too beautiful to exist in this hardened world of ours.
And no matter how loved they are, or how precious they seem to others, their pain is simply bigger.
If you have loved such a soul you will know of pain too.
The pain of your love not being the glue.
Some souls cannot be kept here, and must follow their light home, to rest in peace again, at last.
And sleep deeply,
free of pain.
Until we meet again.

I had a dream last night of you. It’s been a long time. Sometimes healing can also be painful. It causes distance from the tears that were the only connection I had to you. You hugged me so tight. Like the hug of a million days. I didn’t want to let go. I knew if I let go I would not know when I would see you again. I missed those hugs and seeing your face. ”

“There is a moment when your dreams
and your memories merge together
and form a perfect world. That is
heaven, and each heaven is unique.
Itis the world of you. The land:is
filled-with all you will do, and the
sky is your imagination.

I hope one day I can tell her all of the things that came before she lost you

My protector all my life….I will keep your light here. You spent so much time protecting me and now it’s my turn to find my own happiness

You watch the things left behind with all of its broken pieces that lay on the floor trying to find their way back to an old life that will never be the same. I watched a 3 year old experience loss before ever experiencing life’s order of things. Talking to him on an owl stool that he bought her telling him about her day. I watched a little girl be put between anger and watch every person that she sat with , fall off the ledge of her life one by one. Pieces of loss stacked in piles all around the corners of a new existence. This has been my greatest separation from him. The beautiful story of her he created into my life, crumbling into dust . Life will never be the same.

when somebody else tries
to tell you how you should grieve

smile and forgive them
through your watering eyes

and then imagine
how lonely it must be
to be the person who
audits the tears
of other people

the well intended
will tell you how
long you should miss
your beloved

But you take your time

grief is a hedge maze
and being lost inside of it

is more than okay

don’t race through
your heartache

because you might
just miss a miracle
or two

in the teardrops rolling
down your face

don’t grieve quickly
just to make somebody
else feel better

if you need to,
let your grief
become a coral reef

let the algae of your hurt
slowly form over the years
into the softest violet hue of heaven

it can take two lifetimes to recover

when our beloved becomes
an empty chair

it’s okay

take as much time
as you need

your healing is your healing

and the scars of absence
will itch longer than you can imagine

but that is because you
risked to love so deeply

and that is far better than
the alternative

I am proud of you

and the courage it
takes for you to grieve
so fearlessly

don’t listen to those
who want you to go back
to normal

normal will never exist again
for those of us who have
lost a part of our heart

if the moon broke in half
would it feel normal?

to hell with normal

normal was their scent on your collar
normal was their voice resting in your ear
normal was their touch on your skin

you have a new normal

it’s looking at the shape of clouds
for messages from the great beyond
that your beloved is fine

you have a new normal

it’s building a cabin in
the woods of your memory
where you and your beloved
can meet for lunch

you have a new normal

it’s crying and laughing
at the same time
whenever their favorite
song plays on the radio

grief isn’t the enemy
of life

numbness is

don’t become numb to your suffering

welcome it in
and let it wrap you
up like a blanket

whenever it shows up
at your door

it’s okay

I swear

it’s okay

your beloved misses you just
as much as you miss them

and someday
you two will
get all tangled up
together again

someday
you two will
push each on a
swing again under
a shower of falling blooms

and someday
you two will ride
comets together
on the edge of everything

and someday
you two will giggle
at all of the people
who tried to tell you

how to grieve

~ written by john roedel

There are the pure at heart. The ones that feel everything so more than others. That wait for the call, the hug, the thoughtful intention. That have suffered at some point in their life and have fought every day to keep balance. They feel so much more then most. Nature keeps them peaceful. They develop some incredible talent to rely on. Then there are the monsters. They walk amoung us preying on the vulnerable and weak, disguising themselves as the kind at heart. Making you feel like you are always wrong and they are the true victim. They know how to break you into a million pieces with just one word. My heart breaks every day it broke you. You were so loved

I think about January each year. It was the month when it all started. The silence……….the last time we spoke. 2 months out of your life I will never know what happened or what you were feeling. Not until after you were gone did I learn of choices that were given to you that I know broke you. I can never go back to fix that day. My grandfather wrote this in my Dads graduation from college. Your brother read this at your funeral. I think sudden death will always present us though to live a “what if” tomorrow. I loved you yesterday, today and all of the rest of my tomorrows. That will always remain. Love Mom