Its funny how when you think all is lost in this world when you feel all alone God puts something in your life that makes you feel the light that use to shine inside of you. The greatest thing my son has given me is showing me unconditional kindness and compassion. He was the person that always showed up for others. Today these two beautiful people showed up for Billy. The light of my son was lit today and remembered. When you walk in darkness every day this act of compassion can never be expressed. I am forever greatful.
Physchology today….Kenneth Doka PhD
Sometimes the death of an adult child can affect other relationships. Relations with the widowed spouse or grandchildren may change. Family events may seem so different now.
There may be other issues. Parents may feel a lack of control that complicates the loss. Though it is their child, they may have little or no control over treatment or even the funeral or burial.
The death of a child is an “out-of-order” death. Normally the parent dies first. This, too, affects grief. Parents may feel a sense of survivor guilt, questioning why their child died. There may be a sense of injustice that challenges spiritual beliefs.
How, then, can parents cope with such a loss? How can others offer support? First, it is critical to validate that grief, to recognize that the death of a child, regardless of age or circumstances, is always a horrendous event. Support is critical. There may be value in seeking counseling or joining a support group. The Compassionate Friends, for example, is a support group for parents who are grieving the death of a child.
If the parent had little control over the funeral rituals or if these rituals were not meaningful, a parent may wish to gather his or her own friends for a ritual.
Finally, it is important to acknowledge that others—perhaps a spouse, siblings, children and friends, share this loss. Grieve with them.
Someone once said to me after I lost my son. “Well we all have our life to live and we need to move on and try to enjoy each day”. ” we can’t live in this every day. We have our kids to worry about,”. My son was my child. I dont care how old they were when we lost them or how many years we were able to have them or if they never got to graduate or if they never got married or if we have a grandchild from them to carry on in them or if they were an infant at the time of our loss or older as an adult. It’s all the same pain. You have too many memories or not enough memories. It’s all the same journey,the same road for the rest of our life. I walk amoungst this normal life that I use to be a part of. I remember the motions of my old life but now the thoughts and feelings live in a new place. I get my nails done. I stand waiting for the same train the same holidays come. The same seasons, the social events, family birthdays. In every one of those moments your mind is lost back in a time where happiness use to exist. Every day is a masquerade of fake emotions. Being alone holds a sense of peace because you can be who you really are with yourself. People say you have a family to surround yourself with. You have so much to be thankful for. You know these things to be true but your mind always wins. It always gives in to the loss. It controls every minute of your day.
I recently met someone who I have connected with that shares the same compassion the same soul as me. The biggest thing I have felt is the empty hole that has opened since the loss of my son. I never cared who disappointed me because my son filled all the spaces in my life. When I lost him all the disappointment of others were magnified. This has been the greatest challenge for me. Living amoungst the cruelty alone trying to react to it all on my own. I truly believe my son has put her in my life. I believe our boys are together. They were exactly the same kindred souls. There are no coincidences in life. I am forever greatful for her friendship. We never met but we share a bond that no amount of years could ever create. Thank you my friend
How great to live your life with the qualities of those we lost. Take pieces of their heart and walk each day with it.
We dont talk about him anymore but I know he is there inside of her. We share this bond of him. Although he is lost physically to us, he lives on and will always be a part of me and her. We dont need words. We spoke as we collected our Rocks today and looked for their unique qualities. We thought of him as we found our colors in the leaves we collected. This is what I showed him as a child and he in return to her. We were all together today.