A moment in time

There are some moments that happen that when you are in them you never will know if it will be that moment that will last a lifetime. This was a summer day 5 years ago today. My son was off from work and we spent the day together. It was 90 degrees this day. I invited my son and granddaughter to come over in the pool and have lunch. My son wanted to show me a place in town he discovered on his days off that he took my granddaughter to.

It was a nature preserve. Places my son love to go. It was a place of marshes that were preserved by the town. In the water you saw turtles, swans and exhibits were displayed on the history of every specie. I watched my granddaughter follow in with him in delight. She loved this place too. He watched her 3 days a week in addition to working a full time job.

We walked in the 90 degree heat. I knew how much it meant to him to share this with me. Because that was Billy. A simple person who loved the beauty that most walked by every day. He has always been like this. He said to me ” mom thank you for sharing this with me. Besides my daughter no one does these things with me,” I will never forget what he said. He stopped and said let me take a photo of you and my daughter so I can remember this. There I stood with her thinking how hot I was and couldnt wait to go in the pool. I look at this photo now and it will be my biggest treasure in a photo.

Who knew the moment we took this that he would be gone from my life 5 years later. We never know if we are standing in a moment. I have this photo enlarged in my diningroom. I hope my granddaughter will read this one day and know what a great day this was. How happy we all were. How she ran around and showed me all the things her father taught her. I know she wont remember but we have this photo that will always hold this beautiful story. July 12, 2014.

Summer of 2017

It was the 2nd summer after I lost my son. For the first time I could spend time with my granddaughter. I watched her all day on Friday’s for the whole summer. We called it our summer Fridays. I was never given time with her before. I would get to her house by 8am and stay till 8pm. It was the best summer. I will never forget it. She would chase the butterfly’s at the park and say Daddy ….grandma and I are here. She was 5 years old. One of those Fridays I took her to the beach. She said grandma I think this is my happy place. She found a penny and put it in her pocket. I watched her keep checking it. She handed it to me and said grandma it’s a penny from heaven.. we can’t lose it. I truly believe she feels so connected to her father with me.

Does she remember our times together. I watch her as she looks at nature and loves to draw like him. Her silliness. Her beautiful blue eyes like his. I miss her so much. It’s been 10 months since I have seen her. The last time I saw her she said she waited at the window for me. She said grandma I was so excited. She would always say this is the best day ever and always asked when will she see me again. Our summer fridays were taken. Our every Fridays. It was the night I always came when my son was here. I feel that pit in my stomach on this day for the past three years. I will always remember our special summer.


Sometimes no matter where you end up there is that one place you always call home. Rath Park in Franklin Square NY will forever hold a marker of my son. The compassion and kindness that he gave us will be remembered in Hope’s to help one human being who reads it.❤

What if

I sometimes think back to a time so long ago. I had very little but I had so much. What if I never moved from the place you were born and lived for 20 years. What if I stayed. Would life have taken another course. Would you still be here.

The day we pulled the moving truck away. If I knew you would have left me. If I knew you would turn so sad in your heart, I would have never left. I carry this burden in my heart every day.

How do we know what turns life has lying ahead for us. I never thought I would lose you. I will cherish this photo forever on your birthday. It was the place the three of us lived. We lived in a castle in our hearts.

The chapters of you

Grief is not just one sudden moment that changes your life forever. It’s all the moments that lead you to today. It’s the first time you walked. Your first tooth. The day you took off on your bicycle without the training wheels. Your first day of kindergarten when I walked away and I cried. Your first stripe on your green belt in karate. The day i read in your class at school. The day you jumped off the diving board at swimming lessons. Sitting with you in the doctors when you got mono. Taking you for your tux for your prom. Dropping you off at your first job. Taking you to sign up for your courses at college. Taking you for your road test. Sitting with you when a girl broke your heart. Dancing with you at your wedding. Sitting with you waiting for your child to be born. Telling you I love you every morning on the train. So many moments that are rolled up in this life that I lost as if I have lost my own. It’s not the day we grieve or how they left. It is all of these days that gather themselves and are forever present with each passing day. We have lost a lifetime of what once was and what could have been