Drawing by Billy

Big Hero

My son had it right. He stopped and noticed everything in this world. When life took him down, he walked the gardens or sat by the water and took photographs of all of the beautiful things that make you feel alive. On days that he did not feel like he was. I’m so greatful for those moments you stopped and captured what was beautiful that day. I will have them forever

Another Christmas is here and it will never feel the same. This was your holiday. You always brought the excitement of being a child again into everything. I always looked forward to your car pulling up and you walking in the door with your loving hug. You were the light in all my days.

It’s been 2 years since my son has visited me in my dreams and that dream was while I am on vacation too. This morning I woke up crying in my sleep. It was so real. My son and I were sitting on a bench. He handed me a gift bag. In the bag was a candle holder that was ivory with. Slots that were all filled with photos of my son. In side the holder was a candle. There was one photo that was the biggest and it was of us. On the candle it said live love laugh. I hugged my son and we both were crying so hard hugging each other. I said I miss you so much and I woke myself up crying. It was so real it took my breathe away. Thank you Billy because worldwide candle lighting for loss of child was that day. There are no coincidences

It’s so easy to get caught up in our story and our own pain. I try to remember the purpose. God has chosen me to suffer a great loss. I read something once and as hard as it is for me to accept I believe it is true. He has put us all on earth as his choice. He gave me my children as a gift . I must never lose sight of that. I must find purpose in my loss. To help others and to see human suffering in a sharper light. I have become a better person. I stop and takenotice of other peoples losses. I help more now. I am thankful for all he has given me . To have such a beautiful relationship with my son. I am so blessed to have known such love.

My granddaughter said to me not too long ago. Grandma do you think Daddy hears us laugh in heaven. I said I think he is making us laugh. She was only 3.5 when he died but the laughter will always live in her heart.

Since my granddaughter was 2 every time I would come over to see her on Friday nights we would jump up and down and do ballerina twirls. She would get so excited for my visits. She is now 7. So much had changed for both of us. Her Dad is gone 3.5 years now. She has since moved to a new town, a new house and has a new family.She was 3.5 when my son died and as time gets further away those memories become a blurr for her. But every once in a while she remembers certain things. We still twirl when I see her. And she has this smile on her face that launches me back in time to when life was so happy. We will always keep that connection and love will be forever.

When we are young we look at a tree and think of all of the possibilities. To climb to the top, to build a secret fort and to hide behind. As we get older that tree turns into something that just drops leaves and causes work for us. My son always kept that magic in his heart. He brought that light to his daughter. He brought that light in his gifts. His drawings and the way he loved the things we take for granted. He kept his youth in his heart. Maybe Peter Pan had it right.