Heaviness

The mornings are the heaviest. Every morning I open my eyes and know its a new day. The heaviness that sits in your chest with the Start of each day is always the same . in the beginning i gave myself purpose. Took on projects, found ways to remember and honor him. With. Each new project it kept that light alive. Never let it go. Almost like the feeling of hope. What kind of hope do you have to something that will never change. This must be survival. Survival of loss. Connection to a life that you can never live without. Maybe it will make someone say his name. Talk about a memory. This is the insanity of childloss. Then there are the days it all falls apart. A mother once asked me if I feel like I’m on a constant roller coaster . Out of nowhere you burst into tears. You keep yourself grounded from the anxiety with the familiar. Change is too hard to handle. You just go through the motion of life so people believe you are still alive. But you died a long time ago with your child