Physchology today….Kenneth Doka PhD

Sometimes the death of an adult child can affect other relationships. Relations with the widowed spouse or grandchildren may change. Family events may seem so different now.

There may be other issues. Parents may feel a lack of control that complicates the loss. Though it is their child, they may have little or no control over treatment or even the funeral or burial.

The death of a child is an “out-of-order” death. Normally the parent dies first. This, too, affects grief. Parents may feel a sense of survivor guilt, questioning why their child died. There may be a sense of injustice that challenges spiritual beliefs.

How, then, can parents cope with such a loss? How can others offer support? First, it is critical to validate that grief, to recognize that the death of a child, regardless of age or circumstances, is always a horrendous event. Support is critical. There may be value in seeking counseling or joining a support group. The Compassionate Friends, for example, is a support group for parents who are grieving the death of a child.

If the parent had little control over the funeral rituals or if these rituals were not meaningful, a parent may wish to gather his or her own friends for a ritual.

Finally, it is important to acknowledge that others—perhaps a spouse, siblings, children and friends, share this loss. Grieve with them.

I recently met someone who I have connected with that shares the same compassion the same soul as me. The biggest thing I have felt is the empty hole that has opened since the loss of my son. I never cared who disappointed me because my son filled all the spaces in my life. When I lost him all the disappointment of others were magnified. This has been the greatest challenge for me. Living amoungst the cruelty alone trying to react to it all on my own. I truly believe my son has put her in my life. I believe our boys are together. They were exactly the same kindred souls. There are no coincidences in life. I am forever greatful for her friendship. We never met but we share a bond that no amount of years could ever create. Thank you my friend

….

How great to live your life with the qualities of those we lost. Take pieces of their heart and walk each day with it.

We dont talk about him anymore but I know he is there inside of her. We share this bond of him. Although he is lost physically to us, he lives on and will always be a part of me and her. We dont need words. We spoke as we collected our Rocks today and looked for their unique qualities. We thought of him as we found our colors in the leaves we collected. This is what I showed him as a child and he in return to her. We were all together today.

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

 

Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

“— Canyon City

By Pearl E Buck (article written)

Drawn by my son Billy Dehmer

The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create—so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.

The Dragonfly Story

By Walter Dudley Cavert

“In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him. Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings. In vain he tried to keep his promise. Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below. Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number.

The fact that we cannot see our friends or communicate with them after the transformation which we call death is no proof that they cease to exist.”

A Letter to the Newly Bereaved Mother

From one grieving mother’s heart to another, I’m sending you love and so much strength… There are no rules for grieving and time becomes insignificant in so many ways now.

I’m not going to lie to you. It will never be okay. It will never become easy. And the sorrow of losing your son or daughter will never lessen. What I can tell you is that it will change. You will learn to survive and live around the pain and emptiness. It will not always be as suffocating and debilitating as it is right now.

If you refuse to give up, you will find life again, in your own time. The colors will never be as vivid as they once were; however, they will return to your world one day… Time will never be your friend but rather your teacher.

Follow your heart. No one else knows what you need. It is so raw right now so simply breathe and do whatever it is that will get you to the next moment. Nothing more. It is breath by breath and moment by moment right now and for some time to come. There is no time limit, no right or wrong and no matter what you may think sometimes, you are NOT crazy or going insane. It is simply your new normal.

You also are NOT alone. There are many of us traveling this road ahead of you and many more will arrive to follow behind you. When you are ready, reach out to the hands that journey ahead of you and allow them to pull you up and forward when you fall. They are waiting, and they are infused with the strength of a million broken hearts connected throughout time and space by a pain and sorrow that is hermetically sealed off from the rest of the world and all other experiences. And if you refuse to give up, if you remember that you alone are the keeper of your son’s or daughter’s memory, you will one day find yourself taking hold of a desperate hand reaching out for help from behind you and you will realize that you too have been infused with the strength needed to pull another mother or father up and forward.

But for today and for as many tomorrows as your heart says is needed, simply breathe and grieve my sister… Breathe and grieve for your child. And do it in absolutely any way that feels right to you. Simply breathe and grieve.

Because for as long as you breathe, your son or daughter will be.
–Tammy Brown