By Yasmin Mogahed

You can continue to blame the people and the situations that have hurt you. Or you can take back your power and look through the actors. To see the Director.

Every single aspect of your life has a purpose and is by divine design. Even the parts you hate. Even the parts you try to hide from the world and yourself. Even the parts that hurt. Even the tears. The betrayal. The divorce. The loss.

You will find the purpose when you grow through this. When you allow nothing to shrink you. Or chain you. Or own you. When you stop hearing the noise of what other people are saying or thinking of you. When you stop the “what if’s”. When you stop beating yourself to a mental pulp. And never again allow someone to mistreat, disrespect, use, or take you for granted.

But most of all, you will only find peace when you finally remove the thing that has occupied God’s place in your heart.
Read that again.
Only then will you be able to truly love again. In a healthy way.

There are some moments that happen that when you are in them you never will know if it will be that moment that will last a lifetime. This was a summer day 5 years ago today. My son was off from work and we spent the day together. It was 90 degrees this day. I invited my son and granddaughter to come over in the pool and have lunch. My son wanted to show me a place in town he discovered on his days off that he took my granddaughter to.

It was a nature preserve. Places my son love to go. It was a place of marshes that were preserved by the town. In the water you saw turtles, swans and exhibits were displayed on the history of every specie. I watched my granddaughter follow in with him in delight. She loved this place too. He watched her 3 days a week in addition to working a full time job.

We walked in the 90 degree heat. I knew how much it meant to him to share this with me. Because that was Billy. A simple person who loved the beauty that most walked by every day. He has always been like this. He said to me ” mom thank you for sharing this with me. Besides my daughter no one does these things with me,” I will never forget what he said. He stopped and said let me take a photo of you and my daughter so I can remember this. There I stood with her thinking how hot I was and couldnt wait to go in the pool. I look at this photo now and it will be my biggest treasure in a photo.

Who knew the moment we took this that he would be gone from my life 5 years later. We never know if we are standing in a moment. I have this photo enlarged in my diningroom. I hope my granddaughter will read this one day and know what a great day this was. How happy we all were. How she ran around and showed me all the things her father taught her. I know she wont remember but we have this photo that will always hold this beautiful story. July 12, 2014.

Sometimes no matter where you end up there is that one place you always call home. Rath Park in Franklin Square NY will forever hold a marker of my son. The compassion and kindness that he gave us will be remembered in Hope’s to help one human being who reads it.❤

I sometimes think back to a time so long ago. I had very little but I had so much. What if I never moved from the place you were born and lived for 20 years. What if I stayed. Would life have taken another course. Would you still be here.

The day we pulled the moving truck away. If I knew you would have left me. If I knew you would turn so sad in your heart, I would have never left. I carry this burden in my heart every day.

How do we know what turns life has lying ahead for us. I never thought I would lose you. I will cherish this photo forever on your birthday. It was the place the three of us lived. We lived in a castle in our hearts.

Words by Don McLean

Universal music

Grief is not just one sudden moment that changes your life forever. It’s all the moments that lead you to today. It’s the first time you walked. Your first tooth. The day you took off on your bicycle without the training wheels. Your first day of kindergarten when I walked away and I cried. Your first stripe on your green belt in karate. The day i read in your class at school. The day you jumped off the diving board at swimming lessons. Sitting with you in the doctors when you got mono. Taking you for your tux for your prom. Dropping you off at your first job. Taking you to sign up for your courses at college. Taking you for your road test. Sitting with you when a girl broke your heart. Dancing with you at your wedding. Sitting with you waiting for your child to be born. Telling you I love you every morning on the train. So many moments that are rolled up in this life that I lost as if I have lost my own. It’s not the day we grieve or how they left. It is all of these days that gather themselves and are forever present with each passing day. We have lost a lifetime of what once was and what could have been

You’ve got to be one that, wherever you are, like a flower, you’ve got to blossom where you’re planted. You cannot eliminate darkness. You cannot banish it by cursing darkness. The only way to get rid of darkness is light and to be the light yourself.

Cory Booker

Today is the day mothers are acknowledged the week before Mothers day that have lost a child. Its such a tragic loss that they gave us our own day. I remember standing at my sons funeral, one by one they came up to me and I dont even remember their faces. I remember the priest sitting with me at the wake. I dont even remember what he said but his eyes had such pity for me. I remember standing outside of church so many people who worked with my son, telling me beautiful stories of him. How he made stockings for all of the children at his job and wrote their names. I was afraid of those days to end because I knew I would be alone. All the embraces and cards and conversations would all disappear. My son would still be gone the same as those few days but one by one, they all disappear. But there the bereaved mother stands. Her days are all the same . She searches for other mothers for she knows there is no one else that could possibly understand but them. It brings her comfort. I thank God for these mothers. I know our children are together and at peace.

Three years has past. I’ve learned to live with my loss. It’s always there but I’ve learned how to mask my life. I feel like I am looking into a window looking at my life that once was. The people that were apart of my life walking past with a new family. Where is my son. I dont see him as I look through this window. I see his daughter holding hands with all new people. Looking through my window I cant touch her anymore. I was there when she was born. Who are these people walking in her life. How did this happen. This window I look through now. I feel numb inside. As I sit at my window I think of what once was.